a dialogue can quickly turn into a monologue if you don't say anything worth responding to.

i hate those conversations where every response you get is one of the following: "haha", "ya", "kk", "ok", "yeah", or the worst one, "lol". "LOL"... really? I'm pretty sure if i was funny enough to make you laugh out loud then you would have more to say. or "kk", do you realize that you are only one more k away from the white supremacist group? or "haha". if i'm not actually making you laugh, don't pretend. i know that i am actually funny and i do not need your pretend laugh to fill some missing void. if my message isn't worth responding to, then don't. cause i promise if you ever send me a "ya", "kk", or "lol" i will NOT respond. LOL is like a noncoding codon that stops protein synthesis, except it stops conversation. 

I'd seriously rather talk to myself. at least i know that i can carry a conversation and crack semi-funny jokes and throw random puns in there for shits and giggles. but it seriously drives me nuts when people cannot carry a conversation. my 78 year old grandma can carry better conversations than half the people i converse with on a daily basis and she barely speaks English. i mean seriously. there are SO many things to talk about. talk about sports. i may not understand, but i can totally deal with listening to you ramble on about who the Lakers beat or who won the world series. i may not completely understand, but I'll pretend like I'm enjoying the conversation. Or movies, there have been so many movies made and so many in theaters, there has to be at least a dozen that we have both seen, and i can probably quote most of them. Or tell me how your day was. if your day sucked, tell me some exciting story about how you found an ostrich-sea gull hybrid in the middle of the night while you were driving around. i don't care if it actually happened or not. and when i ask you what you are doing, if you say "nm" we are no longer friends. really, I'm i seriously only worth a 2 letter response?

one of the most frustrating things in the world is when you feel like you aren't getting the attention of someone who you are conversing with. it's as if you aren't important enough for them to listen to. i know that i talk a lot. like a lot. but at least i am trying to uphold conversation. i understand that sometimes i talk too much. I'm Italian. i talk loud, fast, and in large amounts. sometimes i amaze myself with the amount of words i can squeeze into one breath. but that's the thing, at least I'm trying. and when you talk to me, i will give you the attention you deserve.

basically what I'm saying here is I'd rather talk to myself than have a conversation with someone who thinks I'm only worth a 2-3 letter response. at least i know that i can carry conversation and can convincingly act like I'm interested in what I'm talking about.

the science of love

Maybe it's just because I'm obsessed with the script's new album, but i can't help but listen to it over and over again and i keep listening to this one song, which happens to be the song the album is named after. It's called "science and faith," and the best lyrics are in the chorus. It says:

" you won't find faith or hope down a telescope.
you won't find heart or soul in the stars.

you can break everything down into chemicals,

but you can't explain a love like ours."

basically it's saying you can honestly find an explanation to everything except love. When it comes to love, there is no right or wrong answer; there is no formula or theory; there is no equation. Love is unexplainable. You can't control who you love, nor can you control who loves you. You can't make someone feel any specific way; you can't make someone love you when they don't. You also can't stop someone from loving you. There's no secret book or bible on love. it's something you just have to figure out on your own.

I think the hardest thing to accept about love is that there is no controlling it. it's one thing in life that no one can control. i don't care how intelligent you are, you will never be able to prove to me that there is a right way to do anything involving love. It's hard to accept things that are out of our hands. Sometimes, though, we just have to accept it without explanation. The thing we want the most is always the thing that we can't have. That's part of love. It's the fact that if love isn't mutual, it's not love at all. Love is a two way street. No turns, no merging lanes. just two lanes. the light has to be green for both lanes at the same time. if not, it doesn't work. And I don't know about you, but I hate sitting at stoplights. I think we waste so much time at stoplights just sitting there. doing nothing. and we can't change the fact that the light is red. It's the same thing with love. We sit there waiting for someone else to feel a certain way, but there's nothing we can do to change the way they feel. So we sit there, doing nothing, when we should have just taken the freeway.

That's my new philosophy on love. It's a two way street. Some people think it's worth risking having to wait at a light forever; others find it easier just to not have to deal with love at all, to take the freeway. I've driven the side streets enough times to know that I always hit the red lights. I've learned to always take the freeway. always.

"reading between the lines" is synonymous for "over analyzing"

Reading between the lines is just the more justifiable way of saying over analyzing. We think that by looking up, down, around, and in between the words that we hear or read, that we will find something that's not already there; but trust me, you won't. I'm the most over analytical person, as I feel most of the female species is. I analyze everything any one says down to the the punctuation. I mean there is a distinct difference between "hey!" and "hellooooo" and "hi." Don't deny it. You know you've analyzed it too. We convince ourselves that everyone is playing a mind game with us, so we play it back. But in doing so, we just create an even bigger mind game. It's like who can boggle the other person's brain more. We try to be sly and secretive about how we feel, but really we all basically wear our hearts on our sleeves- if we mean to or not.

There's no hiding how we feel unless you are an extremely internal and introverted person. I know I am NOT. You can tell EXACTLY how I feel at all times just by the look on my face. And if for some reason you can't, you can ask me and I'll tell you EXACTLY how I feel. I just don't like mind games. My brain hurts too much from school and work and the rest of the curve balls life throws at me; I'd rather not have to analyze your feelings towards me at the moment just by a salutation. No thank you. But even though I don't want to, I do any way. There's no stopping it. I'm an over analytical person. I except it. But boy does it ever hurt my brain.

I don't know if guys are as analytical as girls are, but I can tell you from experience that girls will sit there staring at a text message trying to decode it as if it was written in a completely hieroglyphic foreign language. We sit there and read it word by word, and at different speeds, as if change the emphasis on certain words will uncover a hidden meaning. But it doesn't. Yet we still find one. I feel like sometimes we revert back to the old ways of elementary school when punching someone in the face meant you liked them. Or chasing someone around the field until you were both completely out of breath and about to pass out meant you thought they were cute. I don't know what sort of perverse mind set that is, but some people seem to never grow out of it.

It's the ignorance within us that wants to believe that if we can't find something that it is still there. We try and convince ourselves that just because we can't find it, doesn't mean it's not there. Sometimes it's just not. We have to just accept it sometimes and move on. But it's hard to distinguish when its the right time to stop looking or when we still haven't looked hard enough. With my experience in this subject, it seems to be that as soon as you stop looking for it, you stumble upon it accidentally. But who knows, maybe that's just me and my clumsy, over analytical self.

we chase the things that run away.

Principle of attraction #1: We chase the things that run away. Obviously, I mean if what we wanted was sedentary there wouldn't be any sort of chasing involved. But the point is that what we chase is running away, the point is that we are chasing it in the first place. You would think that by now we would realize that the things we are chasing are only running away because they DON'T want us to catch them; I mean if they wanted us, they wouldn't be running in the first place. But yet there is some perverse effect that always accompanies chasing. Since we were 5 years old we would run away from the other kids of the opposite sex on the playground. It was a game. The boys would chase the girls or vice versa, but it was a sort of flirtation tactic. So from a young age, we are taught that someone or something running away from us actually means that they want us to chase them. I mean the best part is always the chase, right? You may say yes, but it also is the most tiring. And what if what we are chasing actually does not want to be chased and is actually trying to escape? Well, then you just look like a desperate idiot.

Mind games were so much simpler when we were only 5 years old. They were more fun too. Now, they just suck. But one thing is still the same between our pediatric play dates and our present lives. Everyone always seems to be chasing the same thing. It's like there is one prized possession that everyone wants. And yet, it always seems to be one of the first people to give up that actually gets the prize. I remember in elementary school when we would chase the boys around the school yard; it was usually the first girl who stopped and waited for the boy to finish running around the circle that caught him. Its smart. Let the boy run around in circles and he will eventually end up where you are waiting. But where's the fun in that.

So here is my dilemma. I'm tired of chasing after things that are running away, but at the moment- everything is running away. I'm at the point where I have to choose what is worth wasting my energy on and what is running into an endless abyss of God knows where. It's hard to decipher what is running because it wants to be chased and what is running because it wants to get as far away from me as possible. I know my dreams want to be chased- dreams are MEANT for chasing. But it's the other things in life that I'm not sure about. Is He worth chasing? Is He running away? Or is He the five year old boy on the playground waiting for me to chase him around tirelessly until the bell rings?

patience is a sucky virtue.

Patience is a virtue. Unfortunately I am not so virtuous in this aspect. I think the majority of the world sucks at being patient. We hate having to wait. We call in orders so we don't have to wait for them to have it ready, we just go pick it up and it's done. We call stores to see if they have what we want so that way we don't have to wait around looking for something that may or may not be there. We even get impatient waiting for our Starbucks to be ready in the morning. I mean I don't know about you, but I feel like it takes the barista like 10 minutes to make my Carmel Brulee Latte in the morning- even if it really only takes 3 minutes. I know I hate waiting. I especially hate waiting for something that may or may not happen.

I feel like most of the time, we spend waiting for something we want to happen but we don't necessarily know if it will. Then we get angry when it doesn't happen and we feel like we've wasted our time on nothing. I feel like this happens all the time. I know it happens with me. I mean with music I always wait in hopes that I will get to work with an amazing producer who has a hit song ready for me. But that usually ends in disappointment when the producer gets "too busy." I mean come on being "too busy" is the lamest excuse in the book. At least come up with some believable, creative, and entertaining excuse. Like tell me you are going to go study at an Ashram in India or you are traveling to Switzerland to go become a Chocolatier. I don't care but don't tell me you are too busy. This is my future we are talking about. I care too much about it to accept "too busy" as an excuse.

But I feel like we wait the most for people we like. The human heart can't help but feel the way it does. It has its own volition and prerogative and it just feels what it feels. You can't program your heart to like someone nor can you tell it to stop liking someone. That's what sucks about love. You can't help but feel the way you do. So as our heart aches for someone, we think "well maybe he/she just needs time." We try and tell ourselves that they will eventually fall for us too and then we will live happily ever after. And don't get me wrong, sometimes it's worth the wait and you get your fairy tale ending. But most of the time, we waste a bunch of time and energy waiting for someone to fall for us. One of my friends told me that you can only wait so long for someone to fall for you before you have to realize that if they haven't fallen for you yet then they aren't worth your time. But that doesn't mean we can stop liking them. It's not that easy.

Waiting sucks. I get it. I agree. It sucks. I wish I could be patient and be able to wait things out, but that's not the kind of person that I am. I swear I have some form of ADD or ADHD because I just can't pay attention or sit still and wait for something to happen. I have to do something and be pro-active and get what I want. I'm slowly realizing that that is not the most effective way to succeed. Sometimes you just have to wait it out. And yeah sometimes it won't pay off and you'll hate yourself for wasting time, but sometimes things are worth the wait. You'll never know unless you wait and see.

it's really hard to predict your future when you have absolutely no idea where its going.

I'm realizing that right now, at this moment, I am basically planning my future. With every choice I make, I am somehow shaping my future. With every submit button I push, with every quick-take question I answer, with every essay I type, I am basically deciding my future. But something that I am also realizing, is it's really hard to predict your future when you have absolutely no idea where its going.

I'm not just talking about school though. I mean I am, but it also applies to other aspects of my life. I mean with school, I have basically decided my future, but I don't exactly know what I chose to do. I already applied to schools and had to decide my major, my minor, and my emphasis. I could tell you exactly what I chose for each one, but could I tell you why? kind of. I know what I want to do with my life, but it has absolutely nothing to do with my schooling. So basically my education is my back up. But I don't know what my back up plan is. I have absolutely no idea where the degrees I'm going to get are actually going to take me. Life is so unpredictable. I mean I know my parents didn't plan on watching this economy sink like the Titanic. Otherwise, they probably would have chosen more stable professions. I am kind of scared of where the future is leading because there is no way to even guess where it will go, so there really is no way to prepare for it.

I kind of feel the same way with choices I make outside of school. Like if my music dreams play out, I'm going to need to become really good really fast at everything: guitar, piano, singing, theory. But I don't want to waste my time doing something that will actually have no relevance to my future. I also don't want to prioritize incorrectly. I mean I feel like I already have. I put my social life before my school work which has probably screwed me over, but at this point, it's too late to care. I've enjoyed actually meeting new people and making the friends of a lifetime. I wouldn't trade that for anything. But part of me worries that I've missed something. Like what if I didn't meet someone that I was supposed to? What if I missed an opportunity that I should have taken? What if I was too oblivious to notice someone or something that could have changed my life.

I'm probably over analyzing it because that's just who I am, but like i said, it's really hard to predict your future when you have absolutely no idea where its going. I guess part of the adventure in life is enduring all its ups and downs. Part of the mystery of life is going through it pretty blindly. I mean I feel like I'm blind folded  on Wheel of Fortune and Pat Sajak and Vanna White are asking me to pick a letter, but I can't even see what word I'm trying to spell. It's like I'm doing a crossword puzzle blindfolded. It's really hard to spell out your future when you don't even know what you're trying to spell out. Oh well, we're already traveling down life's path, it's too late to turn back now. Might as well keep guessing which path to travel at the fork in the road. Just hope that the path you choose doesn't lead you to a cliff. That would suck.

You're not CVS. Stop being there for their convenience.

We all know that we should never make somebody a priority when we are only an option. Options are only there at your convenience. It's like clothes. I know typical girl thing of me to say, but it works. When you look at your clothes, you have jeans, shorts, tank tops, jackets, sandals, boots, etc. All options. You only choose to wear what's convenient for you. You where jeans and boots when it's cold and shorts and sandals when it's hot. Or unless you're, as facebook puts it, a "weather confused slut," then you wear uggs and shorts... but anyway my point is that you only use the clothes that are convenient for you. Well at this point, I'm done being the gladiator sandals you shoved into the back of your closet. I'm not saying I want to be rainboots either. I'm saying I don't want to be clothes, I'd rather be... your air, something that you need everyday.

I feel like we get too comfortable being there for people whenever they need us. In a way it's like saying we are second best. We aren't the first choice, but we'll have to do. No. that's not the way it's supposed to be. We can't keep putting ourselves out there for other people, we aren't a CVS. We're not convenience stores. Ha! I thought that was pretty funny. But just do me a favor. Don't be somebody's Steve Madden zip up boots. Don't be somebody's leather jacket. Don't be somebody's Abercrombie shorts. You're not an option for the day, you're the choice of a lifetime.