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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

hey cupid, would you mind shooting both of us next time.

it was no coincidence that i happened to be wearing all black on valentine's day. i hate valentine's day. it's just so pointless. it gives couples a day to celebrate their love-which they should do all the time anyway. and it gives single people a day to realize how pathetic they really are. really. i mean come on. the fact that Singles Awareness Day has SAD as an acronym is not an accident. While all my friends were out on hot dates with their boyfriends or guys they were dating, i had a hot date with a treadmill. maybe my valentine got my hot and sweaty, but at least their valentine's could speak. i felt so pathetic. i was one of 5 people at the gym. 5. it was great knowing that i was one of 5 people who are actually single on valentine's day.

i just hate seeing all the pink and red and hearts. everywhere. balloons. candy. flowers. blah. blah. blah. do you realize how many trees and plants we kill with the amount of flowers and greeting cards we give out on valentine's day. i think mother nature is the only one who can complain more about valentine's day than i can. and trust me. i could go on for days. I'm like the scrooge of valentine's day. by the end of the day, people were using the phrase "don't be such a Karly" when anyone was being a Debbie downer. whatever. it's a stupid holiday. stupid and cupid do not coincidentally rhyme. okay maybe they do. but still. i mean who listens to a kid in a diaper shooting heart shaped bow and arrows.

also, where the hell did cupid learn archery BECAUSE HE FRICKIN SUCKS AT IT. for doing this as a career, he sure does suck at it. i mean even i have better aim than him. he always seems to manage to forget to shoot both of us. he always shoots me and i fall in love but always happens to miss the guy he should have shot. and it's not even like he accidentally hits somebody else, he misses completely. and then i am stuck dealing with the consequences. so cupid, would you mind shooting BOTH of us next time? thanks.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

grow a pear.

you know when you are at the gym and there is a guy obviously staring at you. He follows you from machine to machine, trying to be nonchalant but failing more miserably than i failed calculus. so you take off you headphones to give him a chance to talk to you, and what does he do? NOTHING. or you know that guy who you make eye contact with every day in the hall way, and it's not just any kind of eye contact buy like eye sex eye contact. And then you randomly run into him either after school, or at the store, or a coffee shop; and he has the perfect opportunity to introduce himself and he DOESN'T. it's so incredibly frustrating. i mean seriously. i think it's more embarrassing to obviously check someone out and then not talk to them than to go up and introduce yourself to them. it's also really creepy when someone admires you from afar but doesn't actually do anything about it. If all you want to do is look at me, take a picture. i promise it will last longer. so here is a message to all boys out there: GROW A PAIR. 

people are too concerned with their image and how people perceive them that they don't realize how many opportunities they miss out on. Don't get me wrong, the tough macho man act is attractive at first, but the fact that you have the confidence to start a conversation with a complete stranger, is not only flattering to the girl, but its really attractive too. don't know what to day? here, let me help you, or at least let google help me, help you.

  • step 1: greet the person with a friendly smile.
  • step 2: ask a general question that could spark conversation like "hey, you look familiar from somewhere!" you can then proceed to ask where you may know them from (even if you know that you don't). you will figure out what their hobbies are so that way you can see what you have in common.
  • step 3: use the info that you secret acquired to spark general conversation. pay attention to little details to compliment them on (but only throw compliments in when appropriate- you're trying to flatter them, not creep them out).

  • tip 1: don't just hear the response, listen to it. it will help spark conversation topics.
  • tip 2: keep to general topics like music, sports, television shows, movies, food, etc. they are easy to talk about and so general that if things get awkward, you can bring the conversation to an end.
  • tip 3: watch body language. it sometimes speaks louder than words.

Now you really don't have the excuse that you "don't know what to say" because that is not true. i just outlined an entire conversation for you that a monkey could carry. you never know if you will get the chance to have a conversation with that person again, so if i were you i would take any opportunity you get.

Friday, February 4, 2011

you feel like you're drowning but you've still got breath.

I think one of the hardest things in the world is watching someone with something you deserve. You want it and you know you deserve it, but someone else has it. and it's right in front of you. and there's nothing you can do. in the great words of the script "it feels like you're drowning but you've still got breath." it's kind of a hopeless feeling and its absolutely terrible. and horrible. and no good. It happens to me all the time, with relationships, with careers, with school. it happens to everyone everywhere. I'm a firm believer in being fair, so if it happens to everyone, wouldn't it be just as fair if it didn't happen to anyone? I don't know about you, but i think that sounds fair.

With music and the industry being the way it is, it sucks to see people sitting on the top when they didn't actually perform their way up there. unfortunately, everything has a price. anything can be bought. even success. so while i'm sitting here hovering right above the bottom, and i know that i have what it takes to be sitting comfortably right on the top, it bothers me. it gives me that awful feeling in my stomach like someone just punched me with every ounce of strength they have in their body. and the only thing i can do is "be patient" and "keep trying," according to everyone else in the universe. i'm sorry. i am not patient. do NOT tell me to wait.

Or when you see a girl with the guy you like. and you know it's your hand that fits perfectly in his. and no matter how much you want him to see it, no matter how obvious it is, no matter how strong the magnifying glass he is looking through, he'll never see it. knowing that someone else has something that you want with all your heart is literally heart breaking. yes i know that your heart is a muscle and it cannot actually break. But it sure does feel like it.

and i don't know about guys, but girls will find any connection or "sign" that they can just to justify to themselves that they deserve it. i hate to break it to the girl population, but just because you you both have the same color eyes does not mean you are meant to be together. just because you both love the same song or same show, does not mean that you are destined to spend eternity together. cause if it did, we'd all be living in a polygamous, STD infected, constant orgy. I wish it were that easy. but it's not. if life were easy, it'd be your mom.