we chase the things that run away.

Principle of attraction #1: We chase the things that run away. Obviously, I mean if what we wanted was sedentary there wouldn't be any sort of chasing involved. But the point is that what we chase is running away, the point is that we are chasing it in the first place. You would think that by now we would realize that the things we are chasing are only running away because they DON'T want us to catch them; I mean if they wanted us, they wouldn't be running in the first place. But yet there is some perverse effect that always accompanies chasing. Since we were 5 years old we would run away from the other kids of the opposite sex on the playground. It was a game. The boys would chase the girls or vice versa, but it was a sort of flirtation tactic. So from a young age, we are taught that someone or something running away from us actually means that they want us to chase them. I mean the best part is always the chase, right? You may say yes, but it also is the most tiring. And what if what we are chasing actually does not want to be chased and is actually trying to escape? Well, then you just look like a desperate idiot.

Mind games were so much simpler when we were only 5 years old. They were more fun too. Now, they just suck. But one thing is still the same between our pediatric play dates and our present lives. Everyone always seems to be chasing the same thing. It's like there is one prized possession that everyone wants. And yet, it always seems to be one of the first people to give up that actually gets the prize. I remember in elementary school when we would chase the boys around the school yard; it was usually the first girl who stopped and waited for the boy to finish running around the circle that caught him. Its smart. Let the boy run around in circles and he will eventually end up where you are waiting. But where's the fun in that.

So here is my dilemma. I'm tired of chasing after things that are running away, but at the moment- everything is running away. I'm at the point where I have to choose what is worth wasting my energy on and what is running into an endless abyss of God knows where. It's hard to decipher what is running because it wants to be chased and what is running because it wants to get as far away from me as possible. I know my dreams want to be chased- dreams are MEANT for chasing. But it's the other things in life that I'm not sure about. Is He worth chasing? Is He running away? Or is He the five year old boy on the playground waiting for me to chase him around tirelessly until the bell rings?

patience is a sucky virtue.

Patience is a virtue. Unfortunately I am not so virtuous in this aspect. I think the majority of the world sucks at being patient. We hate having to wait. We call in orders so we don't have to wait for them to have it ready, we just go pick it up and it's done. We call stores to see if they have what we want so that way we don't have to wait around looking for something that may or may not be there. We even get impatient waiting for our Starbucks to be ready in the morning. I mean I don't know about you, but I feel like it takes the barista like 10 minutes to make my Carmel Brulee Latte in the morning- even if it really only takes 3 minutes. I know I hate waiting. I especially hate waiting for something that may or may not happen.

I feel like most of the time, we spend waiting for something we want to happen but we don't necessarily know if it will. Then we get angry when it doesn't happen and we feel like we've wasted our time on nothing. I feel like this happens all the time. I know it happens with me. I mean with music I always wait in hopes that I will get to work with an amazing producer who has a hit song ready for me. But that usually ends in disappointment when the producer gets "too busy." I mean come on being "too busy" is the lamest excuse in the book. At least come up with some believable, creative, and entertaining excuse. Like tell me you are going to go study at an Ashram in India or you are traveling to Switzerland to go become a Chocolatier. I don't care but don't tell me you are too busy. This is my future we are talking about. I care too much about it to accept "too busy" as an excuse.

But I feel like we wait the most for people we like. The human heart can't help but feel the way it does. It has its own volition and prerogative and it just feels what it feels. You can't program your heart to like someone nor can you tell it to stop liking someone. That's what sucks about love. You can't help but feel the way you do. So as our heart aches for someone, we think "well maybe he/she just needs time." We try and tell ourselves that they will eventually fall for us too and then we will live happily ever after. And don't get me wrong, sometimes it's worth the wait and you get your fairy tale ending. But most of the time, we waste a bunch of time and energy waiting for someone to fall for us. One of my friends told me that you can only wait so long for someone to fall for you before you have to realize that if they haven't fallen for you yet then they aren't worth your time. But that doesn't mean we can stop liking them. It's not that easy.

Waiting sucks. I get it. I agree. It sucks. I wish I could be patient and be able to wait things out, but that's not the kind of person that I am. I swear I have some form of ADD or ADHD because I just can't pay attention or sit still and wait for something to happen. I have to do something and be pro-active and get what I want. I'm slowly realizing that that is not the most effective way to succeed. Sometimes you just have to wait it out. And yeah sometimes it won't pay off and you'll hate yourself for wasting time, but sometimes things are worth the wait. You'll never know unless you wait and see.

it's really hard to predict your future when you have absolutely no idea where its going.

I'm realizing that right now, at this moment, I am basically planning my future. With every choice I make, I am somehow shaping my future. With every submit button I push, with every quick-take question I answer, with every essay I type, I am basically deciding my future. But something that I am also realizing, is it's really hard to predict your future when you have absolutely no idea where its going.

I'm not just talking about school though. I mean I am, but it also applies to other aspects of my life. I mean with school, I have basically decided my future, but I don't exactly know what I chose to do. I already applied to schools and had to decide my major, my minor, and my emphasis. I could tell you exactly what I chose for each one, but could I tell you why? kind of. I know what I want to do with my life, but it has absolutely nothing to do with my schooling. So basically my education is my back up. But I don't know what my back up plan is. I have absolutely no idea where the degrees I'm going to get are actually going to take me. Life is so unpredictable. I mean I know my parents didn't plan on watching this economy sink like the Titanic. Otherwise, they probably would have chosen more stable professions. I am kind of scared of where the future is leading because there is no way to even guess where it will go, so there really is no way to prepare for it.

I kind of feel the same way with choices I make outside of school. Like if my music dreams play out, I'm going to need to become really good really fast at everything: guitar, piano, singing, theory. But I don't want to waste my time doing something that will actually have no relevance to my future. I also don't want to prioritize incorrectly. I mean I feel like I already have. I put my social life before my school work which has probably screwed me over, but at this point, it's too late to care. I've enjoyed actually meeting new people and making the friends of a lifetime. I wouldn't trade that for anything. But part of me worries that I've missed something. Like what if I didn't meet someone that I was supposed to? What if I missed an opportunity that I should have taken? What if I was too oblivious to notice someone or something that could have changed my life.

I'm probably over analyzing it because that's just who I am, but like i said, it's really hard to predict your future when you have absolutely no idea where its going. I guess part of the adventure in life is enduring all its ups and downs. Part of the mystery of life is going through it pretty blindly. I mean I feel like I'm blind folded  on Wheel of Fortune and Pat Sajak and Vanna White are asking me to pick a letter, but I can't even see what word I'm trying to spell. It's like I'm doing a crossword puzzle blindfolded. It's really hard to spell out your future when you don't even know what you're trying to spell out. Oh well, we're already traveling down life's path, it's too late to turn back now. Might as well keep guessing which path to travel at the fork in the road. Just hope that the path you choose doesn't lead you to a cliff. That would suck.

You're not CVS. Stop being there for their convenience.

We all know that we should never make somebody a priority when we are only an option. Options are only there at your convenience. It's like clothes. I know typical girl thing of me to say, but it works. When you look at your clothes, you have jeans, shorts, tank tops, jackets, sandals, boots, etc. All options. You only choose to wear what's convenient for you. You where jeans and boots when it's cold and shorts and sandals when it's hot. Or unless you're, as facebook puts it, a "weather confused slut," then you wear uggs and shorts... but anyway my point is that you only use the clothes that are convenient for you. Well at this point, I'm done being the gladiator sandals you shoved into the back of your closet. I'm not saying I want to be rainboots either. I'm saying I don't want to be clothes, I'd rather be... your air, something that you need everyday.

I feel like we get too comfortable being there for people whenever they need us. In a way it's like saying we are second best. We aren't the first choice, but we'll have to do. No. that's not the way it's supposed to be. We can't keep putting ourselves out there for other people, we aren't a CVS. We're not convenience stores. Ha! I thought that was pretty funny. But just do me a favor. Don't be somebody's Steve Madden zip up boots. Don't be somebody's leather jacket. Don't be somebody's Abercrombie shorts. You're not an option for the day, you're the choice of a lifetime.