September 20, 2011

It's amazing how a sudden instant can play in slow motion; even though its merely a second, it seems to be an eternity. You've had bad dreams before and this just seems like another nightmare. But it actually happens. I got a text message from my best friends mom this morning at 2:17 AM:

"Bad news... There's been a car accident.... We are at the hospital with her right now."

and another one exactly one hour later:

"She has stitches in her lip... fractured pelvis and hips... cuts in her spleen and liver... and bruising on her lungs... she is going to be fine.... but she can't dance for a while."

My heart literally stopped and I couldn't breathe. I lost all control. I threw off my covers jumped down off my bed, onto my desk, and onto the floor and didn't know what to do. I just sat there bawling. Hysterically. I couldn't believe that I had literally seen her 5 days ago. We skyped 10 hours ago. She texted me 2 hours ago. And now she's in the hospital. You learn who you really are in these situations, and you learn your priorities because everything you do from that point on is instinct. 

I called her mom right away to get a full story. That was all that was known and that was all she could share. As soon as I hung up, I called my parents. I didn't know what to do. I was sitting there helpless on the floor with my roommate hovered over me trying to calm me down. I still couldn't breathe. What would I have done if my best friend in the whole world hadn't made it. Why wasn't I with her. Why couldn't that be me in the car and not her. Why did she have to have her passion taken away from her. She's a dance major on her college's dance team. And now she can't dance until January. It really isn't fair.

Time always seems to pass so slowly when you are waiting for an expected phone call. I just wanted to see her. I didn't want to go to class. But sitting in my room moping on the floor wasn't going to do anybody any good. So I cried through English. But at least I was there. I depleted my phone battery from checking it so many times to see if I had a missed call or a text waiting for me saying that she is coming home and she will be okay. But that didn't come.

A few hours later I got a text from her from her mom's phone:

"Hiiii it's Kawee! I'm okay! I think I'm at Santa Ana Hospital..."

Tears streamed down my face in the middle of our dining hall, this time tears of joy: she was okay. I ran back to my room and grabbed the things I needed for the night and headed over to the hospital right away.

Time and Traffic seem to have a lot in common- they both move slowly when you want them to move quickly. I sat in traffic for 2 hours trying to get somewhere that's only 40 miles away. I wanted to just drive through all the traffic and get there as fast as possible, but seeing as my best friend was in a car accident, it would be a little too ironic if her best friend ended up in the bed next to her. So I sat there helpless and impatient and concerned. I finally got there and headed up to the top floor where her room was. She was surrounded by her amazing new friends. It was so refreshing to know that she was still in good hands at school, and it's nice to know that she has amazing people taking care of her. I breathed a sigh of relief and took a second to just breathe. Unfortunately it was gross, sicky hospital air. But it was air none the less.

And that's where I am now. Sitting in breathing icky hospital air while she sleeps. She's conscious and breathing, but stuck in bed. She can't walk. But she will be able to. She can't eat much. But I know she will. She's a tough cookie. The strongest girl I know. And she will get through it. With everyone by her side.

I learned a few important things today: bad things happen to good people- but it's because God knows they are strong enough to handle it; my friends and family are my world and I would literally do anything for them whenever they need it and I hope they know that; and hospital air is gross.

casual my ass.

now a days we just want everything to be simple. we don't want to have to walk into a restaurant to get our food, so we go to the drive through. we don't want to have to get up to change the channel, so we use the remote. we like to do things how and when they are convenient to us. it's just a character flaw of society. we like things casual.

but i have a big problem with casual. being casual can apply to the way you dress- casual attire: jeans and a t-shirt; the place you eat- stonefire grill, panera, etc.; but in applying the word casual to relationships, you actually make them more complicated than you think. because casual is so laid back and so vague, the lines are so blurry that it's hard to decipher where they are or if they even exist.

the first line that needs to be established: the definition of dating. i hate the term dating because it is so ambiguous. dating can mean there is an established- facebook official- relationship between 2 people. dating can mean 2 people are exclusive- but no title. dating can mean that 2 people are going on dates with absolutely no commitment to each other whatsoever. whoever thought it would be a brilliant idea to use one word to mean so many different things really deserves to be bitch slapped because i'm pretty sure that he is responsible for the majority of confusion headaches, late night thought frenzies, and misread signals in the universe. and yes i am assuming that it is a "he" who is responsible because it's usually guys who like the fact that the term is so ambiguous because girls generally will conform to the guy's definition.

so much for "casual dating." i don't know if dating can ever be casual. because casual dating implies that there is no commitment and that either party can date other people at the same time. but last time i checked, you only continue to go out on dates with someone that you like or are interested in and, i don't know about anyone else, but my mind is to busy thinking about half the things i need to get done before i take another breath to even be interested in more than one person. so therefore casual dating ends up in accidental exclusivity.

this is why i hate the terms casual and dating. the ambiguity between both words makes it almost sinful to even use them together in the same sentence, let alone the same term.

there's a difference between hearing and listening.

Dear Starbucks: your misspelling of my name is getting a little out of hand. I can handle "Carly." I can handle "Carlie." I can handle "Karlee." "Karleigh" is pushing it. But seriously, "Corrlie?" That doesn't even have the same vowel sound. Nor does it have many of the right letters. Congratulations, you got the "r" and the "l"correct. Do you want me to give you a gold star? I don't understand why people can misinterpret the things you say so incredibly grotesquely that, if you did not know any better, you would think what they heard was completely unrelated to what you said. Then I realized: there's a difference between hearing and listening. So Mr. Barista at Starbucks, I suggest you start listening to what your customers are saying. We're stuck listening to the damn blenders and your stupid small talk. The least you could do is almost spell my name right.

I think with the fast paced world that we live in, we are constantly hearing things that people are saying, but they almost seem to go in one ear and out the other, maybe making a pit stop in the brain for the slightest moment; but rarely do we ever listen to what they are saying. Hearing is just processing sound waves. Listening is actually digesting the words that people say. I mean, I'll be the first to admit that when my mom asks me to do something 10,000 times I always tell her that I heard her the first time. Which I did. I hear her voice muffled by my closed door and blasting music. But I never really listen to what she says until its convenient for me to actually be able to focus on what she wants me to do.

A lot of the time we are just stuck on autopilot. We have our daily routines, our daily drives from point A to point B, but most of the time we don't even pay attention to what we are doing because it has become so normal and comfortable to us that we can do it without thinking. That's the exact problem. We hear people talking so much that we tend to just tune them out, acknowledge the fact that they are saying something, but not care enough to actually listen. And it's when we are in autopilot that we generally miss important information. It may not be important to us, but it's important to the person saying it.

Challenge yourself to actually listen to what people are saying, not just hearing it. You'll be amazed with what you hear. And maybe you'll actually learn their name... and on the off chance, spell it right...

speed bumps ahead.

The rough patches in life are just like speed bumps in the road. Doesn't matter if they are life changing gigantic bumps that will literally alter our lives forever or the little obnoxious bumps that are short, abrupt, and really uncomfortable. Life's bumps are just like speed bumps on a road. They are there to slow you down and make you think about what you are doing and be aware of what's going on around you. They make you pay attention to what lies ahead. The only difference is that there are sign warning you about the speed bumps coming up in the road ahead, obviously life isn't so kind.

Whether you are fighting with a loved one, stressing about school, or really anything else that's causing your life to get a little bumpy, you have to look at it as a sign for you to slow down and think things through. There isn't always a right answer or a way to avoid the bumps completely, but there is usually a trick to one wheeling it around them. The key to overcoming life's speed bumps is to take them in stride and not stop completely, otherwise you'll just be stuck. You have to use your momentum to make it over the bumps, even if it means relying on other people to help give you the push you need.

When I first started driving, I went over speed bumps way too fast; it was literally like California screaming in a car ride. My dad told me to slow down and just ease my way over them. I complained that I had places to go and people to see, but he said that there are only a few and I should take the time to get through them carefully and safely. That was a lesson that I applied to more than just driving.

Life really only has a few major speed bumps, there are minor ones here and there as well, but those are easier to drive over. When it comes to difficult times in life, you have to stop. Literally slow down and just pay attention to what's going on around you. It's usually during your toughest times that your friends are waiting there to help you through it. I'm not saying getting over the speed bump will be easy, because in life, speed bumps seem to be the size of Mount Everest on steroids; but what I am saying is that the ups and downs of life are meant to make you slow down and allow yourself to catch up with what's really going on. Like a reality check. Now if only Life was kind enough to make signs to give us a heads up... but obviously that's too much to ask.

although they both mean "having no value," priceless and worthless are two very different words.

I don't know what is worse: completely losing or being second best. Because, I mean, if you lose completely- you had absolutely no chance of winning . You were so far away from your goal that it makes it almost easier to accept the defeat. But when you're second best, you're the first loser. you just aren't good enough.

I mean the obvious example is in a contest. To me, it's easier to accept last place than it is to accept second place. I mean yeah it sucks knowing you were the worst, but isn't that easier to accept than to accept the fact that you're good, but not good enough?

Or when you're talking to someone and they flirt with you and tell you how amazing you are and how they've never met anyone like you- but they have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. It's like you're just there for their convenience and you are filling some void that they don't get from their girlfriend or boyfriend. It's like all you're there for is a filler. You're not good enough to be the main course- only a side dish.

One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling like you aren't good enough. It's especially hard when you feel like that from all angles. It's a weird concept to grasp that human lives are priceless, yet we constantly find ourselves feeling worthless. Although both mean having no value, priceless and worthless are two completely different things that are easily mistaken. We find ourselves feeling worthless when in reality, we are priceless.

so as hard as it is to accept the fact of never feeling good enough and feeling worthless, we have to try and remember that somewhere, at some time, to someone- we will have no value. we will be priceless to them.

welcome to society: where karma's a bitch and the truth hurts.

Everybody wants the truth. Or so they say. But here's the thing, they don't want the actual truth; they want you to tell them what they want to hear and pretend it's the truth. That's just how people are. We say we want one thing, but we really want something else. Welcome to society: the place where the truth is lies and plastic is apparently not cold and hard anymore (thanks to silicone).

For example, when a girl is trying on jeans at the mall, they always bring someone along to tell them how they "truthfully" look in the jeans. So when they come out in jeans that are too tight for a toothpick and ask you if they look good, no matter how much they know the answer is no, they want you to say yes. I mean, if they are going for the whole "fresh baked muffin" look- tell them they are perfect. But if not, tell them that jean sizes do not correlate to the next time they will ever go out on a date. Just because you are a size 28 does not mean you are doomed to be single the rest of your life.

Or example #2, when guys get their ears pierced and ask you if it looks good. Don't get me wrong, some guys can totally pull it off. But the other ones just look like they missed the boy band bus by about 10 years. They ask you, "Do you like them? Be honest." Well, what are you supposed to tell the Back Street Boy? Do you tell them that they look great? Or do you tell them that 98 Degrees called and Nick Lachey wants his style back?

The truth is something that I think people want to want to hear. But in reality, the truth is most likely going to be exactly what you didn't want to hear. But that's the beauty of the truth. The actual truth is going to be one of the only things you will ever encounter in this world that will actually be reality. In fact, I don't even know why we call reality- reality. I mean there is hardly anything real about it. Look at reality shows. They are supposed to be showing the real lives of people, I mean come on. It's in the name. Reality TV. But apparently no one's lives are actually entertaining enough to hold our attention, so producers and writers decide to show us things we want to see rather than the truth.

So here's where you have to make the decision. Do you really want the truth? Or do you want the scripted reality TV version. Because if you do want the truth,: be warned. It's going to hurt more than the tattoo of Spongebob you're going to get on your ass when you get really drunk in college.

Forgive and Don't Forget.

Juxtaposition: to place 2 seemingly opposing words side by side. I never really understood how juxtaposition worked until today. I mean I knew what it was, but I didn't really know why it had to by called by some 5 syllable title. Until today. When, for some reason, it made sense. And it's all thanks to this three word phrase: "Forgive and forget." I couldn't possibly think of 2 words that are more in opposition.

There's forgiving. And then there's forgetting. Forgiving is the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake. But Forgetting is dismissing from the mind. The only 2 things these 2 words have in common are their first three letters. I can and will always forgive someone, but i NEVER forget what they've done. Maybe it's my semi-photographic memory, but I never forget what people have done to me, and I never will.

Forgiving has this connotation of being this very long, grueling process that causes emotional damage, but that's where people get confused. That is actually forgetting. Forgiving is just giving someone another chance. Forgetting is ignoring why you have to give them a second chance in the first place.

I still remember the grudges I've held since 5th grade. I will never forget. There was this girl in my class who had a crush on my "boyfriend" at the time. Yes I say boyfriend in quotations because all we ever did was call each other names and make each other cry. I use that term VERY loosely. But anyway, I liked him and he liked me and she was never in the picture. But then one day she decides to tell him that he can do better than me and that he deserves a girl like her. HA. Don't you just LOVE 5th grade soap operas? SO great. So she tried to kiss him and he pushed her away and then we all walked back into the classroom from recess. Except her. She sat on her ass and cried like a baby because she got denied by a fifth grade boy. But to this day, I hate her for ever assuming she is greater than another human being. Oh and for trying to kiss my boyfriend. Moral of the story? I forgave her and her fifth grade foolishness, but I still haven't forgotten what she did.

Or, my sophomore year when this girl decided to spread a rumor that I hooked up with her boyfriend.... Yeah. Trust me when I say, you will never understand my hatred for this girl. And this was 1 of the many rumors she spread. Rumor after rumor I forgave her for what she said (I don't know why, she is a waste of a human being anyway), but I will never forget every single lying word that came out of her big, disproportionately shaped lips. I'm not bitter at all. Can you tell?

But the point is, be careful what you do, what you say, and how you do and say it, because no matter how many times someone forgives you, they will never forget what you did. Choose every single word and step you take wisely, because making a mistake is like stepping into wet cement. The cement wills till harden and people will still be able to walk on it, but your footprint will always be there.